Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Heroes

A hero can be defined as someone whose strength, brave acts, or fine qualities you admire. Heroes have long been prevalent in our society. Lately "super" heroes have become super popular. To me, the concept has been someone you look up to and wish to be more like.



As a child, I remember being asked in school quite often who my heroes were. Like it was a normal thing to have and share. Other children would reference their parents, grandparents, coaches, or teachers. They would even let you include singers or athletes you admired. My family was never typically heroic. I had no coaches, and liked none of my teachers all that much. I hated sports, and even singers to me have always just been the conduit of what I love. I never knew what to say.

As an adult, I am still searching. Though it would be apt and honorable to list some human rights activist as a hero, it would also be dishonest. I'm not even pretending to strive to be that great. But I have found that I did have childhood heroes - they were just mostly fictional. And largely female.



Laugh if you will, but Buffy and Xena are the feminist icons that taught me a girl could be physically and emotionally strong despite adversity. Because of adversity. No knight in shining armor needed. This is heroic to me because growing up as a born again Baptist, this isn't the lesson you are taught. No females in my life stood up to men (or vampires) as an equal. Women weren't allowed to be leaders above men, or to strive for a life without men or children. Female heroines of Christian culture always fell short for me because they were valued for their meek and servile qualities. Bleh.

So, Joss Whedon is also sort of a hero to me because he created Buffy, and Robert Tapert for Xena.



As a teenager, I began to value the works of poets like Dorothy Parker, whose blunt and morbid prose got me through high school. Silvia Plath was by far the greatest strength to me when I was in my massive depressive slump in college, despite her own eventual self destruction. In many ways they are the foundation for the poetry I write today. Recently I have discovered Rupi Kaur and her work The Sun and Her Flowers, which has been a revelation. I don't know if this makes them heroes, but it does make them admirable and brave to me.

In terms of expression through art, Frida Kahlo is my biggest hero. She lived a life of pain and turned it into beauty. She had such a vibrant self-awareness that she portrayed through her surreal and sometimes visceral artwork. How could that not be heroic?



The past few years I have been searching for inspiration as a boss. Been living that Manager life, which is terrible and exhausting, but also necessary to my journey. But balancing professionalism with authenticity is sort of strange and hard. Sophia Amoruso of Nasty Gal has become a hero to me with her ballsy entrepreneurial spirit. I'm not sure I ever want to start my own business, but if I did, she has shown me that it's possible to remain your cool, weird self while doing so. And even that it's okay to fail sometimes, so long as you pick yourself up eventually. #GirlBoss Other women like Tina Fey and Mindy Kaling have also inspired me in this way.

Musically, some fantastic women like Joan Jett, Kathleen Hanna, and Brody Dalle, taught me it was awesome to be loud and crass and, well, "unladylike".  David Bowie of course (not a woman) is an inspiration in his no fucks given long career (R.I.P) creating convention by defying it. That's all I want to do.



Finally, yes, someone in my family has become heroic to me. My Grandfather. First generation Mexican/American. Joined the Army and jumped out of airplanes. He was injured and discharged with a purple heart. Became a History, Spanish, and Math teacher, then eventually the Principal.  Aside from all that, I've always known him to be heroic in everyday ways. Like how he takes care of the many many animals my Grandmother insists on acquiring, even though he has no real fondness for them. His love for her and his family is the most heroic thing to me.


Sorry this post has been so unforgivably long. But if you made it this far, your prize is...NOTHING! Congrats.

Monday, September 25, 2017

New Job, Who Dis?

First official day of training.

So far, I have made a window display, and cleaned out a storage room. The previous management left me with a billion different holiday decorations - all in a million different tubs, crates, and boxes. Some not even in boxes. So I spent most of my day today just wrestling through the mess and organizing it. The mind boggles at such disarray. But there is something supremely satisfying in taking such a mess and making it neat and orderly. Or is that just me?

Tomorrow I get to tackle the storage room with all the backstock. I'm sure I will have just as much fun with that. Don't worry, after that there is the whole rest of the store to organize because dear satan, the previous manager really did not care to put anything in an obvious place. I'm going a little insane already.

The training so far has been limited to some register functions and item pricing. So, all my fears about my capabilities seem to have been unfounded. What a relief! And the hours (9am-5:30pm) are so nice! Tomorrow I will be working at the gas station 6-11pm, so I'm not really looking forward to that...but I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm just trying my best now to stay awake til 11pm. Not really sure what to do with myself during all this normal people time. Maybe clean my house?

Nah.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Good Times, For A Change

*See, the luck I've had can make a good man turn bad.*

Well, BOOYA! Life finally gave me a win. I mean, like exactly one. After some extensively bad interviews, this other place finally decided to hire me as their Store Manager! I'm super excited. I'll be working a 9am-5pm job! The only downside is the 90 day trial period, which I hopefully will not bomb. I want those health benefits, damnit!

After 6 months of job hunting, I'm honestly going to try my best at this job. It really seems like it might be a good fit. Diablo help me, after 8 years at my other job, I'm ready for a change. Now, I have heard some pretty terrible things about the management, but I've also heard some good things. I'm just hoping I can make these people love me too much to be terrible to me. I know, I know, optimism feels as weird on me as it looks. Shut up. I officially start training this coming Monday.

In other news, my leaving the gas station seems to have finally spurred the Supervisor into actually hiring some people. Fucker. I will still be working a couple nights a week, probably for the next 90 days, just as a safety net. Because I'm all about the safety net after my last experience trying to get a better job. That experience, and the 6 months of being rejected by prospective employers, basically destroyed me. I don't think the people in my life can understand just how demoralizing that was to me.

So wish me luck! Or sacrifice some virgins for my success, whatever!

Monday, August 7, 2017

Forgiveness

for·give

  [fer-giv]  Show IPA
verb (used with object), for·gave, for·giv·en, for·giv·ing.
1.
to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.);absolve.
2.
to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation,etc.).
3.
to grant pardon to (a person).
4.
to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.
5.
to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interestowed on a loan.

Forgiveness seems to be an act that is an essential part of most religions and a core concept for happiness in countless modern self-help arenas. I really can't deny that it may reduce stress and give someone a healthier happier outlook. That being said, I have trouble with forgiveness. I am no longer affiliated with any religion, and I pretty much hate "self-help" philosophies. So, what is the point of forgiveness to me?

I find value in other people forgiving me for my many shortcomings, obviously, because I benefit from it. But what good has forgiving others ever given me? Or I guess, more to the point, have I ever actually forgiven anyone at all? Recently I've tried to become more generally accepting of people for who they are, which includes the myriad of questionable choices and actions they make. But is accepting the same as forgiving? It sure as hell doesn't mean I like them. It just means I acknowledge that they are who they are and will do what they will. 

I think forgiving must be something else altogether. Something I may never have done. 

I don't forgive that girl for stealing away my toy and playing "keep away" with it. I don't forgive my golden cousin for being a dickface. I don't forgive boys who break my heart. I don't forgive friends who treat me badly. I just sort of keep it in a file with their name on it. Here are the transgressions that go along with these people. I try to learn from the things that have hurt me, and I don't let them go. If I do, it's just sort of like asking to be hurt again.

"They" say that forgiving yourself is pretty important too. Again, I'm just at this point where I understand my actions at the time I made/make them and understand that's just something I did. Positively or negatively, I accept that I made that choice because that was the one I thought was best at the time.

So maybe that is forgiveness? Because there is no real resentment in much of my checklist. Just a sort of wary accountability. But what then would be unforgivable? Is it even a concept by my way of thinking?

Just another example of me making what is supposed to be a simple concept into a complex issue. Thank you, good night!

Friday, July 28, 2017

Update 2017

So here's an update on my life that nobody asked for.

First of all, my work situation. Back in November of 2014 I became the GM of the shitty gas station I've been working at forever. Then in February of this year I stepped down and became a normal associate again because I was hired to be a secretary at this construction company. Only, the position was only open because they were promoting the current secretary (my friend Cathy) to Sales. And then they never promoted her because they are fucking sexist, which left me just screwed. So I've been job hunting since then, to no luck.

So back at the shitty gas station, my Assistant Manager was gunning for the GM position. I was pretty cool with this because she's one of the only ones there who knew how to do anything. But our Supervisor in all his wisdom decided to never promote her. Then a few weeks ago she and her husband get into some shit and now she's talking about moving to Ankeny.

So once again I'm being left at this shithole. But my Super has another think coming if he thinks I'm going to live in the mess he made by basically never hiring anyone and never making Amy the GM. I'm not running the damn place again. I'm already working there far more than I wanted to when I said I'd work some shifts. I'm only working this much because the jackasses I hired decided to quit when Amy wasn't the push-over I was.

Recently I haven't been feeling well, on top of working 5-6 nights a week, and that's not leaving me a great deal of time to job search (even if there was anything good out there). So with all of this, I think I've decided to tell my Supervisor that I'm not bending over backwards for that place anymore. It's just hard, because I've never been that person. I'm always the person who works for everyone else, never calls in, gets all my work done. It's strange for me to put myself first in a work context.

If only I could find a better job. Blerg.

Aside from that, there isn't much news in my life. Same friends. Same no boys. Well, some supremely awkward/disappointing run ins with random boys. But that's nothing new or different, really. Oh, I got a new car cuz my other one fell apart! Is that new? I dunno.

Whatever.


Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Things I Fucking Hate

I actually wrote this quite a while ago, but it holds up. Thought I'd come back to this blog with a bang!

1. Congratulating Quitters
I'm not glad you quit smoking/drinking/being fun/whatever. I really don't give a fuck. It's super boring to me. You basically are dead to me now. Nice knowing you.

Ps. You'll be back. Nobody really quits, they just become that annoying person bumming smokes from me when they get drunk off two beers.

2. Enable Hate
I'm not a bad influence. You are a grown person. If you want to do something, and I let you do it around me, that may make me an enabler, but it doesn't make me a bad person. Maybe gain some fucking impulse control, stop blaming shit you do on other people, and get out of my face.

3. Negativity Hate
Not everything can be positive, I think that's just science. Life is a mixture of experiences. So when I hear, "I'm just trying to get rid of all the negativity in my life" what I really hear is, "I'm just going to pretend I'm two again and everything will go my way." Fucking get a clue. Negativity has its purpose, and you're being really negative about negativity right now, so you're pretty much just stuck in a quantum loop of stupid.

4. Being Nice
Surprisingly, I am quite nice in person. It's terrible because I'm this open minded rational human being who doesn't enjoy hurting other's feelings...but I fucking hate everyone and their bullshit. And I can never tell them, because I want people to be themselves. I just don't want to be around them. Which is why I have a blog to vent, I guess.

5. People In Relationships
Good, bad, whatever. Nobody ever seems to learn from any relationship, because they keep reentering the same one. And they think I should too. No thank you. I know I'm a train wreck who is attracted to other train wrecks. I'm fine not being in that situation. Also, everyone is a smug fucking cunt when they're in love. Fuck them.

6. Love
In the romantic context. Everyone seems to think life isn't worth living without some epic love you're supposed to find. I think it's bullshit. Why are you telling me I'm less happy than I'm supposed to be? That makes no sense. And it's shitty of you. Ever think that love doesn't always turn you into a Sandra Bullock movie? Sometimes it turns you into Sid and Nancy.