Sunday, July 20, 2014

Dealing With Women

Okay this is mostly for my little brother and boys (men?) like him who seem oblivious about some pretty basic rules that apply to dealing with women. I mean, I hate to generalize, but let's just say probably some women.

1. Never say "We need to talk"
Unless you are actually planning on breaking up with her. This is the sort of thing that a girl will hear you say, and then if it isn't immediately followed by what you specifically need to talk about, she will fill it in. With the worst possible conclusion. Because that's where girls go.

2. Never compare her
Not to other girls, not even (especially) your mother. Just don't do it. I mean, fine, do it in your head, but never aloud. Girls are constantly comparing themselves to other girls. Girls they know, celebrities, fictional characters, etc...they don't need you to do it too.

3. Do not belittle her
Don't act smarter than her in a pretentious way. Don't correct her grammar. Don't tell her the way she eats is annoying. Don't actually make fun of her. She will never forget these slights.

4. Don't tell her she has too many shoes/bags/whatever
Unless it is literally impossible to live with. Like the boxes of shoes are about to topple over onto your stupid head. It's none of your business how many shoes/bags/whatever she has. She likes them, they make her happy, and she bought them with her own money. Fucking deal with it.

5. Don't bitch about the "Friend Zone"
It only shows what a fucking dick you are. The fact that you find your friend attractive does not obligate that friend to also find you attractive. Sometimes you get lucky and your friend wants you back. If not, get over it, get over yourself, and go get another girl that wants you as more than a friend. Because remember, no girl is "perfect for you" unless she wants you back.


Tuesday, June 10, 2014

That Bluesy Feeling Mix

I've been sort of obsessing over the Blues lately...so here's what I've been listening to.

1. Devil Got My Woman - Skip James
2. Bring Me My Shotgun - Lightnin' Hopkins
3. You Was Born To Die - Blind Willie McTell
4. Ragged and Dirty - Willie Brown
5. You Never Can Tell - Blind Boy Fuller
6. Black Cat Blues - Lightnin' Hopkins
7. Nobody Knows You When You're Down and Out - Scrapper Blackwell
8. Back Door Man - Howlin' Wolf
9. Rambling On my Mind - Robert Johnson
10. Cypress Grove Blues - Skip James
11. Where Did You Sleep Last Night - Leadbelly
12. Future Blues - Willie Brown
13. Hard Time Blues - Scrapper Blackwell
14. Last Kind Words Blues - Geeshie Wily
15. Nobody's Fault But Mine - Blind Willie Johnson
16. Crow Jane - Skip James

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Things I'm Tired of Pretending To Like

1. The Goonies

For a long time, I thought I must've seen a different Goonies from everyone else. I mean, it was an okay movie, but I was never crazy for it. Everyone else acts like it was life defining. I always sort of nodded along and smiled like I knew what they were talking about. Now I'm just like, "Fuck the Goonies." Fuck your fucking childhood. I'm done. Deal with it.

2. Oregon Trail

I have never played this game. Apparently my childhood sucked. All I know about this game is that Dysentery was involved, which sounds incredibly entertaining. But the game probably wasn't. Stop telling me about it, I'm never going to play it, so what's the fucking point?

3. Dougie/Twerk/Whatevernewdance

I don't know what you're doing and I don't care.

4. Sports

Not that I've ever really pretended to like them, but it's a hard thing for people to accept. I don't like sports. Don't talk to me about sports, I'm not listening. I don't want to go to your Super Bowl party because I don't like football. Downton Abbey party? Fuck yeah! Anything to do with sports? Nooooope.

5. Scentsy/Aloette/Pampered Chef/Pure Romance

I don't want to go to your Bored Housewife/Mother Party. Your pricey purses and jewelry break and tarnish. I'd rather go to an Arts Fair and give my money to artists/bored housewives/mothers who make things than support your cheap stupid crap no one needs business.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

More Postsecret Love

These are a few from PostSecret that I currently love. Apparently there will be a PostSecret event at NIACC on April 23rd. Not sure I'll go, but if you're in the area and have never been, you should, it's pretty fun.






Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Lazerfest Mix 2014

This might be a little early, but I'm super excited for Lazerfest. Not only because I had a boozy blast last year, but also because Queens of the Stone Age and The Offspring are headlining this year! Last year was great, but this year I actually give a fuck about the bands that are playing.



1. 3's & 7's - Queens of the Stone Age (though they'll probably play the new album, which I've previously mentioned) (wish Josh Homme's wife would also be playing)
2. The Kids Aren't Alright - The Offspring (I have long loved The Offspring)
3. Hero - Skillet (I need a heeeero!)
4. The Bitch Came Back - Theory of a Deadman (I like to replace all the "she" and "her" in this song with "he" and "him" b/c I find guys dislike being called a bitch even more than girls. I do kind of like this band, even though they vaguely remind me of Hinder)
5. Imperium - Machine Head (This band's name seems so familiar, but I can't. I just can't. Think I'll go fetch some drinks while they play. Maybe get a tattoo?)
6. Sick - Adelita's Way (This also seems familiar...or maybe rock is just so homogenized now I don't even...ugh)
7. Make Me Wanna Die - The Pretty Reckless (that girl from Gossip Girl!)
8. Trenches - Pop Evil (yeah, more beer time) (Interestingly, they hail from a place I briefly lived, Grand Rapids, Michigan)
9. The Art of Breaking - Thousand Foot Krutch (so much beeeeeer)
10. Never Let Me Go - We Came As Romans (this reminds me of something 2006 would have wrought)
11. Heavy Bells - J. Roddy Walston and the Business (never done, but I like them, they actually kicks some ass!)
12. Bombshell - Powerman 5000 (I feel like they were hugely popular for some time, but this is the only song of theirs I know) (not that I want to know more) (I'm going to be so drunk)
13. Situations - Escape The Fate (I love this song. Sadly they have a diff lead singer now)
14. Winter - Chelsea Wolfe (sort of dark. I want to like her...not sure if I can. she just builds so slowly)
15. Split the Skies - Green Death (never heard of them, but they're from Iowa and they're pretty good in a death metal sort of way. color me surprised)

Just bought my tickets yesterday with my Kum & Go discount. Yay! the only tangible benefit to working there!

Friday, February 28, 2014

February Sucks

I've had a fucked up month. Actually it started right after I made that post about dominating January. Which effectively cured me of any small amount of optimism I might have acquired. So, yeah, around a week after that post I got a horrendous stomach flu. Then (it feels like) everyone quit (at work). So we have technically only 3 new people, but actually we have 4 because the other one rarely works and doesn't seem to recall what it is he's supposed to do when he's there. That is called "benefit of the doubt" because he probably just doesn't give a fuck. I mean, hey, I wouldn't either if I were you, Guy, but I hate you anyway.

And everyone else was new and terrible at things for a while. And then the books were terrible. And there's the part where I'm Jodi's bitch and am supposed to tell everyone when they're terrible. Which I actually don't mind that much because...I'm a bitch. But it does get repetitive and tiring. The main 2-11 person we hired is now pregnant (maybe with twins) and getting sick and going home more often than she works. And I'm just constantly coming in to a fresher hell than the last.

On a more personal note, Mediacom is charging me $70 a month for internet now and I really need to switch providers, but I've never done that before and the unknown is daunting to me. Also, I need a new cellphone because mine is glitching like a motherfucker but what phone to buy??? And then there's the car issue, which is still basically strutless and stupid and now refuses to start, but I'm having an even harder time finding a replacement car because I live in Iowa and all the damn used cars have crazy fucking miles on them. And I know nothing about cars. The other thing is I still don't have healthcare because I'm in sticker shock over what it costs and I don't know what any of the terms mean. So basically I'm just tired of shopping for boring shit that isn't shoes, and trying to make smart decisions. I'm not a decision maker. Apparently I'm also just not very good at being an adult.

I just want to read books, watch Netflix and paint some pictures. Why does life want to keep me away from these things?

So today, I've just been fucking off reading Cracked, and obsessing over female boxing. Because when I get stressed out, I shut down and give no fucks. Let Future Hannah deal with this shit. Sure sucks to be her.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Another Comment

I'm beginning to think the problem is not with other people (I almost typed "poople" which might be more accurate) (hahaha...poop) but may be with me. Maybe I'm just stuck in some bygone era where I don't feel like complete strangers need to have my opinions and judgments inflicted upon them. Because nobody else seems to feel this way.

I mean, this is my blog, come here or don't, I don't care. It's entirely your choice. I didn't spam you with my blog. You clicked on this shit to read it. Similarly, Pinterest is a place where I post things. Re-pin or no, I give no shits.  Many of these things are just pictures/memes I find funny. I categorize them under "Funny Shit". Inherently, this should connote humor...specifically mine. Please don't inflict your lack of shared humor with me. Because why the hell would you? Why the hell would anyone? Just move on.

I pinned this:

I found this humorous for three reasons:
1. Arnold Schwarzenegger - I love that shit.
2. Bones do not jiggle.
3. This woman is obviously fat and not just big boned. Cruel or no, this is obviously true.

The description under the pin was "Your excuse is not valid." I did not write that there, I just neglected to erase it when I re-pinned. This is a common occurrence among Pinners. I don't assume anyone writes their own descriptions. But they sure as hell do write their comments. That shit takes, like, time.

So Becky comments: Must be nice to be perfect.

Yes, Becky, it is nice to be perfect. Because obviously I'd have to be perfect to find humor in this situation. Or did you mean perfect as in "has a sense of humor"  or "is not super offended by obvious truths" ? People have called me many things, but perfect is not one of them. I readily admit that. I have jiggly bits of my own. But you know what I don't do? I don't call myself big boned. I have tiny bones covered in muscle and fat. And some other stuff. This is basic anatomy shit right here. Bones do not jiggle...so what exactly is jiggling if not fat? Is that FUPA actually a MUPA? If so, I apologize, but she should change her argument to "I'm not fat, I'm big muscled."

In summary, I don't know why I'm explaining humor to the internet. I suppose I just like ranting into the void. Also, Becky is totally fat.

Friday, January 17, 2014

January Is My Bitch!

Okay, so a lot has happened this month...sort of.

First off, I am now a Sales Manager, which isn't especially exciting, but there is a pay raise. Also I'm Jodi's bitch. Which, honestly, isn't much different than it's ever been. I don't understand why Amie (the previous SM) was so stressed out all the time. Possibly she just has poor stress management skills. Possibly she just can't chillax about anything. Fuck her, I'm awesome.

This is me, 2nd in Command!
(I've been waiting far too long to make that joke)
Secondly (I have no friends), I almost feel like a complete/law-abiding adult because I now have car insurance and am in the process of getting health insurance. I might even go for a tri-fecta here and file my taxes on time!

Additionally, I got rid of my table that I never used which was taking up too much space. My hair is now pretty short and I like it. I got Sammi hooked on Sherlock/in love with Benedict Cumberbatch. And I watched season 3 of Sherlock. These are accomplishments to me, don't judge (or do so silently, if you must).

And Cathy's wedding was actually pretty fun if you ignore all the boring bits. I mean, free food!

The only downers are:
1. Floyd needs new struts and I don't know where that money is coming from because
2. I'm supposed to be saving for a new car and
3. Bills.
4. Still have no bird because of the previously mentioned money concerns.

Still, all in all, a decent month so far. Tonight I get to spend some quality time with my Sammi and my Netflix (The most important people in my life). Right now I'm going to start a potentially awesome book, The Gate Thief by Orson Scott Card, sequel to The Lost Gate, which I just re-read yesterday. This is already more reading than I've done the past two years. Hopefully I can regain my voracious reading habits again, while also not letting my Netflix feel too neglected...in the end it's all just time-management, though, right?

How are people ever bored?

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Another New Year

I think I am officially failing this 30 day challenge thinger...but I've decided not to care. Much like my new New Years resolution. Just kidding. But really. Last year I was apparently in a much different state of mind. Perhaps in the mostly-not-hungover state of mind that did not follow me to my present still-a-bit-hung-over state. Okay, so I just drank half a bottle of wine and I'm a little tired, which is different than hungover.

Anyway, I don't think I've accomplished anything from last year's to do list, as is my way, so I don't see much point in making a new one. It was a pretty terrible/normal year. This year I think I'll just try to become a better hermit. Maybe read some good books. Smoke less? I don't know, I'm really bad at self-improvement and it's very cold right now. I just want to sleep forever and never work or do anything at all. Can that be my resolution?

Bleh. The wine was a very bad idea.