Social Niceties

I have been in a particularly foul mood for about a week or so. Possibly it's my body revolting against all the healthy-ish food and vitamins I've been consuming. More probably it's the festering disappointments I used to call my friends. I'm not sure when it's going to go away, but until that time, I'm going to rant about a thing I have found especially annoying of late...social niceties. Social niceties have always seemed like a practical thing to me, but lately I'm wanting to gouge my eyes out about a few of them.

1. "How's it going?"
I hate it when people say this after I say "Hello". Is that just the way you say "hi" or are you looking for an actual answer? If the latter, how much information do you want? Am I supposed to give you an actual account of my well being or do you just want a "fine, how are you?". Because chances are, that is going to be my reply. This is why I sometimes mix it up with "swell" "dandy" "peachy-keen" and if I'm having a particularly trouble free day "fabulous". I say these things because I hate your face and it's stupid questions.

2. "What's up?"
Okay, I'm fine with you asking me this. Just don't be disappointed or perplexed when I reply "Not much". I fucking hate it when people ask "Why not?" especially when I'm at work. What the hell would be up? Am I supposed to invent a fictitious event to make my life sound more exciting? Let's just say my life has it's moments, but they are not many, and I probably don't want to share them with you anyway. So pretty much nothing is always going to be up. Except the sky. Also, fuck you.

3. Smiling.
If I smile at a person I don't know, it's because I'm being nice (and I'm probably at work). It's probably not genuine. I am definitely not flirting. I do not want this person's number, a date, or a new stalker on Facebook. Is the world such a hostile place that a person smiling at you makes you think they want to become BFF's? A smile does not mean I am open to your bullshit. Do not make me regret smiling. Because for the most part I don't smile. And then people ask "what's wrong?" like not smiling means I'm upset. You wanna know what's wrong? Your face. Leave mine alone.

4. Sports
Apparently a lot of people like sports and the Olympics. I don't. I don't want to hear about whatever is going on in that world. You probably don't want to hear me talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Doctor Who. Let's just agree to wait out the 10 seconds we have to be around each other in silence. Because I really just do not give a shit, and I don't even pretend to anymore.

5. TGIF
Way to be the douchebag bragging about how you get weekends off to the person who primarily works weekends. No. Just No. I'm really not glad it's Friday. Because once again, I have to work, and probably deal with your drunk ass at 2:30a.m. when you want to bitch at me for not selling you beer. Go eat a bag of dicks.

6. Formal Events
I don't have to attend these too often, but every time I do, something horribly awkward happens. Because I hate 1-4 so much, there's not too much to say to complete strangers/people I don't see often. They also end up being super boring and it's never quite clear to me what I'm supposed to be doing/feeling. But there are certain events you are just socially obligated to attend. Like birthdays, weddings, funerals, christmas parties, barbecues, etc...and they all pretty much suck. Unless I can drink copious amounts of alcohol. But then that's just a whole different me.

To summarize, I'm an angry, shy, socially awkward person. Try to only talk to me when I'm drunk. I like everyone when I'm drunk. Well, almost everyone. Why is there no alcohol in my house? I need some alcohol.