New Job, Who Dis?

First official day of training.

So far, I have made a window display, and cleaned out a storage room. The previous management left me with a billion different holiday decorations - all in a million different tubs, crates, and boxes. Some not even in boxes. So I spent most of my day today just wrestling through the mess and organizing it. The mind boggles at such disarray. But there is something supremely satisfying in taking such a mess and making it neat and orderly. Or is that just me?

Tomorrow I get to tackle the storage room with all the backstock. I'm sure I will have just as much fun with that. Don't worry, after that there is the whole rest of the store to organize because dear satan, the previous manager really did not care to put anything in an obvious place. I'm going a little insane already.

The training so far has been limited to some register functions and item pricing. So, all my fears about my capabilities seem to have been unfounded. What a relief! And the hours (9am-5:30pm) are so nice! Tomorrow I will be working at the gas station 6-11pm, so I'm not really looking forward to that...but I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm just trying my best now to stay awake til 11pm. Not really sure what to do with myself during all this normal people time. Maybe clean my house?

Nah.

Good Times, For A Change

*See, the luck I've had can make a good man turn bad.*

Well, BOOYA! Life finally gave me a win. I mean, like exactly one. After some extensively bad interviews, this other place finally decided to hire me as their Store Manager! I'm super excited. I'll be working a 9am-5pm job! The only downside is the 90 day trial period, which I hopefully will not bomb. I want those health benefits, damnit!

After 6 months of job hunting, I'm honestly going to try my best at this job. It really seems like it might be a good fit. Diablo help me, after 8 years at my other job, I'm ready for a change. Now, I have heard some pretty terrible things about the management, but I've also heard some good things. I'm just hoping I can make these people love me too much to be terrible to me. I know, I know, optimism feels as weird on me as it looks. Shut up. I officially start training this coming Monday.

In other news, my leaving the gas station seems to have finally spurred the Supervisor into actually hiring some people. Fucker. I will still be working a couple nights a week, probably for the next 90 days, just as a safety net. Because I'm all about the safety net after my last experience trying to get a better job. That experience, and the 6 months of being rejected by prospective employers, basically destroyed me. I don't think the people in my life can understand just how demoralizing that was to me.

So wish me luck! Or sacrifice some virgins for my success, whatever!

Forgiveness

for·give

  [fer-giv]  Show IPA

verb (used with object), for·gave, for·giv·en, for·giv·ing.

1.

to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.);absolve.

2.

to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation,etc.).

3.

to grant pardon to (a person).

4.

to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

5.

to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interestowed on a loan.

Forgiveness seems to be an act that is an essential part of most religions and a core concept for happiness in countless modern self-help arenas. I really can't deny that it may reduce stress and give someone a healthier happier outlook. That being said, I have trouble with forgiveness. I am no longer affiliated with any religion, and I pretty much hate "self-help" philosophies. So, what is the point of forgiveness to me?

I find value in other people forgiving me for my many shortcomings, obviously, because I benefit from it. But what good has forgiving others ever given me? Or I guess, more to the point, have I ever actually forgiven anyone at all? Recently I've tried to become more generally accepting of people for who they are, which includes the myriad of questionable choices and actions they make. But is accepting the same as forgiving? It sure as hell doesn't mean I like them. It just means I acknowledge that they are who they are and will do what they will. 

I think forgiving must be something else altogether. Something I may never have done. 

I don't forgive that girl for stealing away my toy and playing "keep away" with it. I don't forgive my golden cousin for being a dickface. I don't forgive boys who break my heart. I don't forgive friends who treat me badly. I just sort of keep it in a file with their name on it. Here are the transgressions that go along with these people. I try to learn from the things that have hurt me, and I don't let them go. If I do, it's just sort of like asking to be hurt again.

"They" say that forgiving yourself is pretty important too. Again, I'm just at this point where I understand my actions at the time I made/make them and understand that's just something I did. Positively or negatively, I accept that I made that choice because that was the one I thought was best at the time.

So maybe that is forgiveness? Because there is no real resentment in much of my checklist. Just a sort of wary accountability. But what then would be unforgivable? Is it even a concept by my way of thinking?

Just another example of me making what is supposed to be a simple concept into a complex issue. Thank you, good night!

Update 2017

So here's an update on my life that nobody asked for.

First of all, my work situation. Back in November of 2014 I became the GM of the shitty gas station I've been working at forever. Then in February of this year I stepped down and became a normal associate again because I was hired to be a secretary at this construction company. Only, the position was only open because they were promoting the current secretary (my friend Cathy) to Sales. And then they never promoted her because they are fucking sexist, which left me just screwed. So I've been job hunting since then, to no luck.

So back at the shitty gas station, my Assistant Manager was gunning for the GM position. I was pretty cool with this because she's one of the only ones there who knew how to do anything. But our Supervisor in all his wisdom decided to never promote her. Then a few weeks ago she and her husband get into some shit and now she's talking about moving to Ankeny.

So once again I'm being left at this shithole. But my Super has another think coming if he thinks I'm going to live in the mess he made by basically never hiring anyone and never making Amy the GM. I'm not running the damn place again. I'm already working there far more than I wanted to when I said I'd work some shifts. I'm only working this much because the jackasses I hired decided to quit when Amy wasn't the push-over I was.

Recently I haven't been feeling well, on top of working 5-6 nights a week, and that's not leaving me a great deal of time to job search (even if there was anything good out there). So with all of this, I think I've decided to tell my Supervisor that I'm not bending over backwards for that place anymore. It's just hard, because I've never been that person. I'm always the person who works for everyone else, never calls in, gets all my work done. It's strange for me to put myself first in a work context.

If only I could find a better job. Blerg.

Aside from that, there isn't much news in my life. Same friends. Same no boys. Well, some supremely awkward/disappointing run ins with random boys. But that's nothing new or different, really. Oh, I got a new car cuz my other one fell apart! Is that new? I dunno.

Whatever.

Things I Fucking Hate

I actually wrote this quite a while ago, but it holds up. Thought I'd come back to this blog with a bang!

1. Congratulating Quitters
I'm not glad you quit smoking/drinking/being fun/whatever. I really don't give a fuck. It's super boring to me. You basically are dead to me now. Nice knowing you.

Ps. You'll be back. Nobody really quits, they just become that annoying person bumming smokes from me when they get drunk off two beers.

2. Enable Hate
I'm not a bad influence. You are a grown person. If you want to do something, and I let you do it around me, that may make me an enabler, but it doesn't make me a bad person. Maybe gain some fucking impulse control, stop blaming shit you do on other people, and get out of my face.

3. Negativity Hate
Not everything can be positive, I think that's just science. Life is a mixture of experiences. So when I hear, "I'm just trying to get rid of all the negativity in my life" what I really hear is, "I'm just going to pretend I'm two again and everything will go my way." Fucking get a clue. Negativity has its purpose, and you're being really negative about negativity right now, so you're pretty much just stuck in a quantum loop of stupid.

4. Being Nice
Surprisingly, I am quite nice in person. It's terrible because I'm this open minded rational human being who doesn't enjoy hurting other's feelings...but I fucking hate everyone and their bullshit. And I can never tell them, because I want people to be themselves. I just don't want to be around them. Which is why I have a blog to vent, I guess.

5. People In Relationships
Good, bad, whatever. Nobody ever seems to learn from any relationship, because they keep reentering the same one. And they think I should too. No thank you. I know I'm a train wreck who is attracted to other train wrecks. I'm fine not being in that situation. Also, everyone is a smug fucking cunt when they're in love. Fuck them.

6. Love
In the romantic context. Everyone seems to think life isn't worth living without some epic love you're supposed to find. I think it's bullshit. Why are you telling me I'm less happy than I'm supposed to be? That makes no sense. And it's shitty of you. Ever think that love doesn't always turn you into a Sandra Bullock movie? Sometimes it turns you into Sid and Nancy.

Too Good For You

Today I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and saw a link posted  by Amanda Palmer to an essay, I Don't Care If You Like It by Rebecca Traister. I haven't read something so on point with what I've been thinking and feeling in a long while. Blow for blow every word was just in ringing harmony with my soul.

A couple weekends ago I went out for a night of drinking and flirting and general social interaction, because in a town like this, that's basically all there is to do. So my night ends in someone's garage at probably 3a.m. where I happen upon a friend who has been having a terrible week. I know everyone in this garage, but this girl sort of needed my attention more than anyone else, so I gave it to her. That's not to say that I wasn't aware of the many other conversations around me. One particular drunk guy decided he wanted to ask me a bunch of questions while my friend was also talking to me, so I gave him a nod of acknowledgement and the "wait a fucking minute" finger mostly reserved for idiot children.

He then loudly says to the girl next to him "She thinks she's too good for me!"

Now...he's not wrong. But contextually, he can go fuck himself. I was obviously in the middle of something. and this is not the first time he has done something like this. And it wont be the last time a man thinks he deserves my time. I have just been having a hard time recently with how entitled men think they are to me and probably women in general. What gives them this idea? The idea that they are owed something for nothing? What gives them the idea that because they like me, I have to like them?

What makes them think I care what they think of me?

Obviously you are now thinking, "of course you care, you're ranting about it on your blog," but it's not his opinion of me I care about, it's his shitty reaction. And maybe it's also because I've been getting that reaction a lot lately. A lot of people seem to think I think I'm "too good for them". Well. I do now, you bitchy pre-teen in a 32 year old body. 

Asleep